I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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