You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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