How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
