i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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