I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
