She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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