Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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