I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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