i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
