By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize