I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
