When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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