im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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