i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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