So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
