your parents love me but you hate me
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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