this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
