The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
