We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
