The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
