I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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