Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
what day is it and did you see me today?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
