Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize