Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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