Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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