i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Randomize
