I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My liver just broke up with me...
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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