there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize