are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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