i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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