My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
