Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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