I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
