What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
