I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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