im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
