I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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