So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
