i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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