This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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