What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
