Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You are the jesus of drinking
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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