you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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