My room smells like vodka and shame
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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