im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
