You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You are the jesus of drinking
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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