she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
