apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize