Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
