2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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