There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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