can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
