Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
