I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I need moral support for this bender
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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