I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
