And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
