I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
