Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Randomize
