Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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