Capitaan dildo arrescate!
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
